after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
