I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
