Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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