walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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