Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize