I should be sponsored by Trojan
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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