i will never coherently bang her
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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