Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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