Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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