The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
time to smoke my breakfast
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
