Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Everclear isn't food dammit
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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