you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
