well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
