roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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