i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
