I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
