It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
two words...techno handjob
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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