hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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