If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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