Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
