How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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