Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
