I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
