So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
the raccoons are back...
Randomize