I haven't been this sober since birth.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
