I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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