morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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