i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
