People in love make me want to vomit
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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