I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
