1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
