Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
