Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
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