yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I am morally bankrupt
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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