STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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