walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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