Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
