I wish I only lived at night.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
