If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
