I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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