I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just had sex on a roof
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
