Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
