rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
