Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
