I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
