true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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