when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
