420 ftw
now i know why i became what i already was.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize