I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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