I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
