Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
