I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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