Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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