proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
