I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
