Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
