I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
