On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
