So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
