My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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